kerryrenaissance:

thatdiabolicalfeminist:

Abusers usually start off by challenging small boundaries. (A boundary = you saying “no” to something the other person wants.)

At first they’ll often try to coax, cajole, tease, playfully mock, or convince you to agree to something small that you don’t want to, or set up a situation where you feel like it would be rude to say no, they’ll just do things without permission and make you feel like it would be rude to ask them to stop.

Over time you’ll find yourself with fewer and fewer choices, and saying no will come at higher and higher costs. At first, saying no might just be a hassle because you have to convince them to accept it and maybe reassure them that you do like them or things along those lines.

Then it might reach a point where saying no starts a fight that you’d just rather not deal with, and/or where you know your boundary will just be ignored or you’ll be steamrolled into “changing your mind”.

Eventually saying no just isn’t worth it because you know you’ll be punished for hours/days/weeks and forced to give concessions to “make up for how much you hurt them” by saying no - even if you gave in later and said yes.

This progression usually happens so gradually that it’s hard to notice, and often it’s not so much that they’re physically forcing you to do things you don’t like as it is them making your life absolutely miserable if they don’t get their way 100% of the time, and making you feel guilty for being bothered by that.

That’s abuse. There are some choices that should be yours and yours alone, and in a healthy relationship your boundaries are important.

They may continue challenging you on small boundaries after you’ve ended the relationship, too, if you’re not able to set up a no-contact situation, either trying to resume the relationship, maintain a degree of power and control over you, or both.